A tale about gambling

For your consideration:

A bank president became aware of a man with a savings account who deposited $500 a day every day for two years. Astonished, the banker left word for the man that he would like to meet him.

Shortly thereafter the man appeared in the banker’s office. “I’ve been with this bank for 30 years,” the banker said, “and I’ve never run across anything quite like this. If you don’t mind my asking, what business are you in?”

“I’m a gambler,” the man said.

“That’s very interesting,” the banker said. “But don’t gamblers lose sometime?”

“Not if you know what you’re doing,” the gambler said.

“Why, that’s extraordinary,” the banker said. “Even the smartest businessmen don’t win all the time.”

“I’ll prove it to you,” the gambler said. “I’ll bet you $500 that at noon tomorrow I’ll show up here and you’ll have square balls.”

The banker stammered, fingered a letter opener nervously, and was surprised to hear himself say, “It’s a bet.”

Next day the gambler arrived on schedule, trailed by a horny dwarf.

“I see you made it,” the banker said, appearing a bit flushed.

The gambler nodded.

Without a word the banker stepped around his desk and dropped his pants.

The horny dwarf’s jaw dropped to his waist.

The gambler reached between the banker’s thighs and felt his balls.

The horny dwarf fainted.

“What happened?” the banker asked.

“I bet him,” the gambler said, “$1,000 that at noon today I’d have a bank president’s balls in my hands.”

This excellent fable comes to us from The National Football Lottery by Larry Merchant (Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1973), in which the author bets on National Football League games for an entire season, bankrolled by his publisher to the tune of $30,000. You’ll have to read the book (out of print, but available) to find out how he made out.

There are other versions of the quoted tale out there - search for “square balls,” if you’re up to it - but none so charming as this one. The “horny dwarf” really makes the story. A nice little (because he’s a dwarf) red herring thrown in there.

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